SEC Tailgating for Dummies: Week 13 Edition – Chris Marler ft. Shirtless Steve Spurrier

Week 12 proved to be one of my best weekends of the year so far. Not only was my 8 oz Styrofoam cup selection for UGA-Auburn hilarious, but I also went 5-1 straight up and against the spread. That’s what we learned about me. What did we learn from the SEC? Tennessee is hitting stride, Will Muschamp should waterboard his punter and kicker, anybody that’s still questioning Alabama’s defense is a moron, and Todd Gurley is still the most exciting player in the country.

It’s the 2nd to last weekend of the regular season in the SEC, and you know what that means – time for a parade of shitty games charity donations against FCS schools to rest up before rivalry week. I’ve been dreading this weekend for quite some time because of the lineup of games. I even contemplated not writing an article this week because nobody cares about Samford or Western Carolina. I don’t even know what the hell a Catamount is. However, I have a reputation to uphold and a responsibility to my 17 readers to provide everyone with something to distract them at their desks on Friday afternoon.

There will be one small change for this week, as I will not be assigning a booze choice for all of the games. We’ve done 94 drink selections so far this year, but there’s no way I’m wasting any time or creativity on booze choices for a weekend of games as underwhelming as this one. Instead I’m going to pick a special guest to party with at each tailgate. Let’s get it!

Editors Note: Most of these games we’re off the board at the time of this writing. Those games will not feature a pick, only a score prediction.

Eastern Kentucky (9-2) @ Florida (5-4) – Gainesville, FL 12:00 PM EST SEC Network (Off the Board)

The EKU Colonels head to Gainesville to take on a lame duck coach and a Florida team that literally snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory a week ago. This will be an electric atmosphere, and when I say electric I mean defeated, dismissive, and completely uninterested. Outside of Rehab or a 12 step program this will be the largest collection of quitters you’ll see in one place this Saturday.

Score – Florida 31 EKU 17

Tailgate Guest – Jeff Driskel. This doesn’t seem like a popular choice, but I think it would be hilarious. First off, I would invite him just to see what disguise he would wear to the actual tailgate because I can only assume he can’t show his actual face in Gainesville. He’s also a great addition to the tailgate because he will undoubtedly make me look better in a game of cornhole. I’m not saying I’m great at cornhole but we’ve all seen Driskel’s accuracy, and I like my chances. Also, I’d love to get to the bottom of the question I’ve had for a year and a half now – did you save Will Muschamp’s life? That is the only reason I can think of as to why Muschamp stuck with him as the starting QB for so long. Lastly, befriending Driskel would mean several years’ worth of discounts from the Enterprise Rent-a-Car that he will inevitably be working at after graduation.

jeff-driskel-girlfriend

South Alabama (6-4) @ South Carolina (5-5) – Beautiful Columbia, SC 12:00 PM EST ESPN3 (Off the Board)

This is the first time since the Civil War that South Carolina has taken on U.S.A. That is literally the only thing exciting about this game. Well, that and the celebration that will go on in 5 points and the Vista once the Gamecocks become bowl eligible after this game.

Score – USC 41 USA 17.76

Tailgate Guests – Stephen Garcia and Steve Spurrier. This is simple. Outside of Hootie and the Blowfish there aren’t many people that have had better legacies in Columbia, SC than these two. Plus, I would never invite Darius Rucker after that musical atrocity he committed when he covered “Wagon Wheel.” Garcia and Spurrier are the clear choices. I would initially be nervous to invite them since both would technically be working during the game. But, let’s be real Garcia isn’t going to pass up free booze, and Spurrier could win this game even if he was coaching drunk. While Spurrier is an obvious choice Garcia is an underrated addition to this tailgate solely for the fact that you know he would bring hoards of women. The guy-to-girl ratio at the tailgate would definitely be favorable, and they’ll only get better once Spurrier drunkenly takes his shirt off and Garcia is inevitably arrested for pissing in public. After that you can probably leave the fairgrounds with a girl on each arm, head to Sharky’s in 5 Points, and show off how bad of a dancer you are.

spurrier shirtless

Charleston Southern (8-3) @ UGA (8-2) – Athens, GA 12:00 PM EST SEC Network (Off the Board)

Another week and another noon kickoff in Athens. What a damn shame. I’m not really looking forward to this game. However, I am eagerly awaiting an elaborate and fictional letter to UGA fans complaining of their mistreatment towards Buccaneers fans in Athens. Hopefully it’s more believable than the butthurt diatribe authored by an Auburn fan earlier this week. Not saying UGA fans are the friendliest or most hospitable, but I will say that the only thing that’s mistreated in Athens is your liver.

Score – UGA 48 Charleston Southern 10

Tailgate Guest – Todd Gurley. Is that even in question?! My biggest mancrush in college football gets the nod. I’m nervous just thinking about it. What should I wear? What should we talk about? How much money should I bring for autographs? All these are valid questions. Gurley would be an awesome addition to the tailgate. I’m not really sure what we would talk about I’m just assuming that I would spend the entire day making matching friendship bracelets for us and riding his coattails more than Ringo Starr did with the Beatles.

100613 uga football 09

Western Carolina (7-4) @ Alabama (9-1) – Tuscaloosa, AL 4:00 PM EST SEC Network (Off the Board)

There are only two things that Bama fans want to see from this game: no injuries and for the clock to hit zero. Why? Because when it does hit zero that means it’s officially Iron Bowl Week. That means the entire state of Alabama will be filled with an absolute vengeful hate towards each other. I. Can’t. Wait.

Score – Alabama 45 WCU 7

Tailgate Guest – Todd Raleigh. Raleigh is the former head coach of the WCU baseball team. Why is that important? Raleigh recruited me to play baseball at Western Carolina my senior year of high school. I was actually set on committing to the Catamounts until out of nowhere he signed another first baseman, and I never heard from him again. So, I’d like to invite him to the tailgate for a confrontation filled with drunk induced hiccups and closure. Let me tell you something Todd – 5’11” 190 lb 1st basemen with below average speed and arm strength don’t grow on trees. What I lacked in home run power I made up for in star power. After all I was Honorable Mention All-County God Dammit! I was a 1.5/2 tool talent with offers from some of the best technical schools in the tri-county area, and I was going to commit to you. I was even going to wear purple Todd. Purple! But look at me now. I’m an amateur blogger and professional alcoholic who hit over .650 in my co-ed softball league last year. I think we all know who won in the long run.

Perfect Game pic

Samford (7-3) @ Auburn (7-3) – Auburn, AL 7:00 PM EST ESPNU (Off the Board)

The wheels are falling off the Gus Bus, and it is absolutely hilarious to every SEC fan not wearing blue and orange.

Score – Auburn 51 Samford 10

Tailgate Guest – Reese Dismukes. As a Bama fan there aren’t many people associated with Auburn that I’d want to invite to my tailgate. I initially thought Nick Marshall would be a good pick because helping him learn to read would probably count towards some of my court ordered community service hours. However, the threat of him stealing literally everything is just too much to overcome. So, Dismukes gets the nod. He’s already an addition to the tailgate because he’s low maintenance. I mean we wouldn’t have to bring an extra chair since I’m assuming he still can’t sit down comfortably after he fumbled a snap into his own butt against A&M a few weeks ago. I can only assume that countless jokes about him not fumbling any beer requests from other people at the tailgate would be made while David Allan Coe Pandora plays over the loud speakers. I’m not a fan by any means, but I imagine it’s a go to for Dismukes considering he was once suspended for using racial slurs towards one of his teammates in the locker room. I would then end the tailgate by mockingly snapping him a tube of Preparation H between my legs saying, “Not so hard is it Reese?” Then promptly wait to get knocked out.

dismukes

Vanderbilt (3-7) @ Mississippi State (9-1) -29 – Starkville, MS 7:30 PM EST SEC Network

State returns home to StarkVegas to take on a team that I wish the SEC could give up for adoption.

Score – MSU 44 Vanderbilt 14 (Pick: Miss. St. -29)

Tailgate Guest – Dan Mullen and Joe Lee Dunn. A lot of you don’t know who Joe Lee Dunn is, but he is one of my favorite coaches in SEC history. Joe Lee Dunn was an alcoholic defensive coordinator for the Bulldogs in the late 90’s. He looked like a fatter version of Sean’s deadbeat dad from Boy Meets World (trust me it’s worth a google). Dunn was famous in Starkville because he didn’t wear socks with his shoes on game days. He said it was for good luck, but there’s no way it wasn’t because he woke up one Saturday after a 2 day bender and forgot to put on socks as he was rushing to the stadium. I want Dunn there just to show MSU fans how far they’ve come. I want Mullen there to be the after in this before and after exhibition of program progress. After the school’s first 9-0 start AND their first ever #1 ranking it’s time to ask Mullen a few questions. One, how much money do you get as an impersonator for Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies? Two, what school are you going to be coaching at next year: Florida or Michigan? I know loyalty is an afterthought in today’s “what have you done for me lately”, “get rich quick” scheme for college football coaches. However, if you’re going to tell me you’re going to pass up $5 million dollars to stay in Starkville, MS, then I can only assume that you are dumber than the real Cousin Eddie. Anyways, we can talk about this after the season. Let’s go draw dicks on Joe Lee Dunn’s face since he’s passed out next to the dessert table.

joe lee dunn

Ole Miss (8-2) @ Arkansas (5-5) +3.5 – Fayetteville, AR 3:30 PM EST CBS

Ole Miss heads to Fayetteville to take on an Arkansas team looking for their first winning streak since Bobby Petrino was at the helm. Since then the Hogs have made a seamless transition from infidelity into obscurity but look to change that once the Ole Miss Black Bear/Rebel Guys come to town.

Score – Ole Miss 27 Arkansas 21 (Pick: Ole Miss -3.5)

Tailgate Guest – Houston Nutt. You’re welcome. Remember this crazy asshole? Nutt is the obvious choice here seeing that he has been the head coach at both of these schools. Now I’m not a huge fan of Houston Nutt, but wow what a spectacle he would be in a public setting involving booze. Every time I hear Houston Nutt speak I think of the game show host from the academic decathlon in Billy Madison when he says, “what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I’ve ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that can be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room tailgate is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Regardless, he’s still the wild card that you want at a party. Sure he’s illogical, but I bet he has some great stories. Also, $20 says he goes into a sales pitch for a pyramid scheme at some point during the tailgate. Double or nothing that Bret Beliema is dumb enough to buy into it.

houston nutt

Missouri (8-2) @ Tennessee (5-5) -3.5 – Knoxville, TN 7:30 PM EST ESPN

Missouri’s hopes of getting to Atlanta rest on the right arm of the most inefficient quarterback they’ve had in the last decade. Tennessee’s hopes of becoming bowl eligible rest on the right arm of a quarterback who got a Brazilian wax on his forehead.

Score – Tennessee 28 Missouri 23 (Pick: Tennessee -3.5)

Tailgate Guest – Nelly. Originally I was going to pick Michael Sam. You may remember him for being the most famous gay linebacker in college football history – besides Man’tei T’eo of course. Sam was the leader of that team a year ago, and I figure he could provide a little inspiration to help the Tigers win out and get to Atlanta. However, I chose Nelly because nothing would make a November tailgate better than cold Bud Light, fall foliage, and having some daps n’ hugs, mean mugs and shoulder shrugs with one of St. Louis’ finest. How much fun would a tailgate with Nelly be?! I can only assume he would show up wearing checkerboard Air Force Ones. Also, it would be awesome to see if the pick-up line “is that yo ass or is yo mama half reindeer?” actually works on anything besides thicky thick girls. Lastly, I’m anxious to see if Missouri’s chances at a 2nd consecutive SEC East title are real or “Only Just a Dream.”

Nelly Mizzou

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