SEC Rivalry Week: Part 1
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I want each and every one of you to know that I am thankful for y’all reading this somewhat funny and hopefully literate article each and every week. That is of course unless you’re an Auburn fan. If that’s the case I hope you choke on pumpkin pie because rivalry week.
Kentucky (5-6) @ Louisville (8-3) -12.5 – Louisville, KY Saturday 12:00 PM EST ESPN 2
Guys, I want to apologize. It’s a tough week. We’ve all got a lot of shit going on with our lives. Turkeys, cleaning, and other chores forced upon us because of this month’s bank holiday. I’ve had a busy week bartending, writing, and underachieving in various other arenas of my life as well, and all of that has taken precedence over this battle for the Bluegrass State. To be completely honest, I don’t know what will surprise me more from this game: if Kentucky is able to become bowl eligible or how many asshole, idiot fans will yell “Rebound” at some point this Saturday.
Score – Louisville 34 Kentucky 24
Booze- Some type of middle tier small batch Kentucky Bourbon. I want the batch to be as small as each of these team’s football trophy cases, and I want the name of the bourbon to be as insignificant as this game.
Tennessee (5-6) @ Vanderbilt (3-8) +17 – Nashville, TN 4:00 PM EST SEC Network
As an Alabama fan I’ve hated most things about Tennessee my entire life. Like I hate Tennessee like Peyton Manning hates his brother Eli tarnishing his last name. Like I hate Tennessee like Phillip Fulmer hates hearing the phrase, “Kitchen’s closed.” Why? It’s not because I’m an Alabama fan. It’s not because that obnoxious color of orange. It’s not because Kenny Chesney is their #1 fan. It’s because every November they play Vanderbilt during Rivalry Week. I hate this game so much. When you beat your rival it gives you bragging rights for a full year. However, bragging about beating your rival when your rival is Vanderbilt is like bragging about having a threesome but the threesome was with conjoined twins. Cool guys. We’re happy you got that notch on your belt, but it’s hard to listen to you boast about hooking up with two girls when they share a fucking forehead.
Also, I wish Josh Dobbs would have a threesome with a pair of eyebrows, so his headshot wouldn’t haunt my dreams. He looks like a skinny, more athletic sloth from The Goonies.
Score – Tennessee 38 Vandy 17
Booze – Copy and paste what I said for the Kentucky-Louisivlle game but insert “whiskey” for “bourbon.”
LSU (7-4) @ Texas A&M (7-4) +2.5 – College Station, TX Thursday 7:30 PM EST ESPN
These two teams face off in a Thanksgiving night tradition that’s as old as sitting around the campfire and hearing grandpa read the story of Christopher Columbus’ maiden voyage to Plymouth Rock. What? Is that not a real thing? Neither is this rivalry/ game. What happened to the Egg Bowl on Thanksgiving? When did the SEC try to make us think this game is relevant enough to be played during rivalry week? And, how many helpings of fescue casserole is Les Miles going to have at Thanksgiving Supper? These are all questions I want answers to.
As far as the game goes both of these teams are coming off a bye and looking to rebound. A&M suffered a home loss to Missouri that saw them blow numerous opportunities late in the 4th quarter. Meanwhile LSU was embarrassed on the road against Arkansas where they were shut out by the Razorbacks. Neither team is exactly having a banner year. Both of these teams were ranked in the Top 10 at one point during the season. However, as the season wore on they’ve aged about as well as a nice box of merlot.
Regardless of how mediocre these teams are I like the Tigers. Les Miles is a master motivator who will undoubtedly get his team fired up for this game with a pregame speech that would be best described as passionate senility.
Score – LSU 27 A&M 23
Booze – Milk and Red Wine. Not together. Why? Because it’s Thanksgiving, and if you’re Thanksgiving is anything like mine is then this is perfect. The milk will be perfect because it’ll be paired with some leftover pecan pie that you finally have room for after your mid-afternoon coma from nature’s roofie – tryptophan. Milk and pie are a perfect pairing on Thanksgiving only rivaled by Turkey and Gravy and Grandad and drunk. Despite being sober you’ll be very content with the milk. Then an hour will pass, and you’ll start becoming increasingly annoyed by your family and start wondering to yourself, “How am I related to these assholes?” Your uncle won’t stop talking about how Black Friday is a government conspiracy to distract us from the truth, Grandma is drunk and becoming increasingly racist, and your teenage cousin has tried to take 538 selfies with you to snapchat to her friends. Once you’ve had enough you’ll be begging for a drink. Your parents may not have hard booze in the house, but almost every parent will have some wine stashed away for emergencies like this. We’re all thankful for that foresight.
Arkansas (6-5) @ Missouri (9-2) +1.5 – Columbia, MO Friday 2:30 PM EST CBS
Another classic SEC Rivalry game. When you rank the best rivalries in this conference this one is definitely right up there with UGA-Florida’s women’s gymnastics AND Vandy’s annual Varsity vs. JV Mathlete Showdown. This game is a Southern classic like Soda Pop and Gelled Fauxhawks. I’m not trying to shit on this game because it is extremely relevant and will be a good matchup. I’m just extremely annoyed with the opening acts the SEC is giving us before we get to the headliners on Saturday.
Arkansas is on fire right now. Last week they beat Ole Miss 30-0 which marked the first time since the 1940’s that an unranked team shut out two ranked teams in consecutive weeks. Missouri also had an impressive win in Knoxville where they dismantled a very hot Tennessee team. This game is tough to predict because I hate picking against Missouri. They have the best pass rush in the SEC and the most underrated coach in the conference as well. However, Arkansas is playing its best football right now, and their offensive strengths will most likely neutralize Missouri’s defensive strengths. Also, Missouri’s offense has been more erratic and up and down than Jesse Spanno when she got a hold of that bottle of adderall back in ’91. They’ll be going up against a defense that allowed 31 points COMBINED against Alabama, Miss. St, Ole Miss, and LSU this year.
I think the Hogs will keep rolling, and I think Missouri will come up just shy of their bid at back-to-back years as the SEC East Champ.
Score – Arkansas 21 Missouri 17
Booze – Irish Coffee. Why? Because the game is being played on Black Friday. You’re gonna need a little kickstarter in the morning if you’re going to be first in line at Best Buy to get that new karaoke machine for your teenage daughter who thinks she’s going to be the next American Idol. Plus you’ll need some booze to deal with the crowds and her incessant singing. So pack a little Jameson in a flask and slip it into that Venti Americano. Not only will it help you relax while waiting in those half-mile lines, but it will also give you a little drunken confidence and strength to wrestle away that last iPhone 6 from that angry mother/ behemoth who swears she grabbed it first. You’ll probably need a refill by the way because you’ve got a long afternoon ahead of you since the doors open at 5 am, and this game isn’t until 2:30. So get up, get drunk, and start crossing your fingers that this mid-day inebriation will end with you planning a trip to Hotlanta. Tis’ the season!