SEC Rivalry Week: Part 2

SEC Rivalry Week Part 2

South Carolina (6-5) @ Clemson (8-3) -3 – Clemson, SC 12:00 PM EST ESPN

The Battle for the Palmetto State is one of the oldest rivalries in the entire country. It’s an annual dogfight of mediocrity where there are two things on the line: pride and a December 28th Bowl Game. This is a tough matchup to figure out. On paper Clemson looks like an easy pick. They lead the country in the total defense and have plenty of explosive weapons on offense against a porous Carolina defense. Plus, the Tigers really want to end the five game losing streak they have against the Gamecocks.

This game will come down to whoever is playing QB for the Tigers. Both Dashaun Watson and Cole Stoudt are difference makers for this Clemson offense. However, Watson is the only one who is a positive difference maker. If he can come back from his sprained MCL that he suffered at Georgia Tech 2 weeks ago then I think the Tigers can win. However, I don’t think he will.

Score – Carolina 24 Clemson 23

USC Clemson

Booze – Firefly and lemonade. This concoction will be bitter and sweet which best sums up this game. Despite the lack of national recognition this is a bitter rivalry in the Palmetto state. Nothing symbols southern charm and tradition like sweet tea, but nothing says bitter hatred like the garnet and black and orange and white universities battling in what is known as “Big Thursday.”

Florida (6-4) @ Florida State (11-0) -7.5 – Tallahassee, FL 3:30 PM EST ESPN

A showdown of the two of the biggest underachievers of the season. If they were to make a trophy for this game it should just be a bronze report card full of C+’s. A lot of people are calling for the upset here. I guess I can kind of see why considering 6 of FSU’s 11 wins are come from behind wins, and their defense is giving up over 160 rush ypg. That doesn’t exactly bode well against a Florida team who’s going to run the ball repeatedly at the Noles. Regardless, much like Jameis hearing the word “No” I don’t think it will matter much or factor into the outcome.

Score – FSU 33 Florida 24

Booze – Strawberry Daiquiri. With a Roofie. Tailgate Guest – Bill Cosby

And, you already know the reason why for both. When you’re in Florida it’s a must to get dinner at some tourist trap restaurant in the Sunshine State. I mean one of those really shitty chain restaurants that are known for two things: deep fried seafood poisoning and ironic t-shirts that say things like “I got crabs at Dirty Dick’s Crab Shack.” Yeah we get it. You’re being funny because you meant like you ate crabs not that you contracted the STD. Haha. That’s next level comedy there Carrot Top. No you get this drink because most people travel to Florida for vacation. That’s usually the only time drinking a daiquiri is acceptable is when your watch and your metabolism are on island time. It’s also fitting because nobody respects someone that drinks a daiquiri just like nobody truly respects either of these teams this season. We get that you’re undefeated FSU, but having a comeback victory at home against Boston College isn’t very impressive especially when Jameis Winston mocks the crowd afterwards by doing the finger over mouth “Shhhh” sign to the crowd. Hey Jameis I’m not great at PR, but outside of Bill Cosby I’m pretty confident you’re the last person that should be doing THAT sign to the crowd. Regardless throw a roofie in this drink. Why? The reason for FSU is obvious, but for Florida is because their fans want to do everything possible to forget about the Will Muschamp era in Gainesville.

Mississippi State (10-1) @ Ole Miss (8-3) +2 – Oxford, MS 3:30 PM EST CBS

This game is a perfect example of why it’s hard for me to take some rivalries seriously. This is first time in 15 years that this rivalry will feature two ranked teams. If you ask anyone from the Magnolia State they’ll tell you that this is one of the fiercest rivalries in all of college football. In the state of Mississippi this gridiron battle is rivaled only by their battles in literacy and obesity. They’re also playing for a giant golden egg. An egg y’all. The only use for eggs in sports are for protein packed breakfasts and as good luck charms for Sanka from the Jamaican bobsled team.

As far as the game goes, this falls under the category of “What is Vegas trying to tell me?” On paper this looks like it should be a blowout for Miss St. They have been the best team in the SEC for much of the year and seem to have rebounded well following their road loss to Alabama. Ole Miss on the other hand is 1-3 in their last 4 games, and Bo Wallace seems to be the Bo Wallace we all know and love. Regardless, I think this will be a good game, but Miss St will pull away late while Ole Miss’ 2nd half of the season will end about as poorly as the movie Bambi. Cover your eyes Bo.

Score – MSU 28 Ole Miss 24

Booze – Egg Nog. The Egg nog is obvious. It’s because that’s what Cousin Eddie/ Dan Mullen was drinking in Christmas Vacation. Well, that and it’s a perfect fit for a game dubbed “The Egg Bowl.” I know it seems like a cop out, and that’s because it is. However, it does make sense too. I mean fans of Egg Nog and the Egg Bowl are kind of one in the same. They’re a select few that are huge proponents of each despite how absurdly overrated they both are. The Egg Bowl doesn’t matter to anyone outside of this state because it’s never been relevant on a national scale. The only reason Egg Nog is popular is because we are a country of alcoholics, and we had to find some sort of booze to excuse our drinking during the holiday season. Is that curdled buttermilk mixed with sugar and bourbon? Shut up Uncle Mike, it’s a holiday tradition.

Georgia Tech (9-2) @ UGA (9-2) -13 – 12:00 PM EST SEC Network

A rivalry known as “Good Ole Fashion Hate” that should probably be known as “Good Ol Fashion Competitive Imbalance.” This used to be a really fun game to watch back when both teams were actually good. However, UGA has owned this rivalry ever since GT started running a novelty for an offense and recruiting high school fullbacks to play offensive guard.

I do think this game will be closer than most people think for a number of reasons: Tech has had an extra week off, UGA has to be somewhat deflated after Missouri’s win yesterday, and Paul Johnson is a real asshole.

tech

Score – UGA 38 Georgia Tech 35

Booze – Landshark. With truth serum. Because just like this Jimmy Buffet booze bullshit is a fake Corona, this game is a fake rivalry. Ask, any UGA fan, and they will tell you that this rivalry gets as heated as any rivalry in college football. That’s what the truth serum is for because after, they’ll admit that Tech is probably their fourth or fifth biggest rival behind Florida, Auburn, Tennessee, and South Carolina depending on the year.

Auburn (8-3) @ Alabama (10-1) -9.5 – Tuscaloosa, AL 7:45 PM EST ESPN

Bama fans have waited 364 days for this game. 364 days of nothing but hate and revenge on their minds waiting for a chance to avenge last year’s ridiculous loss. I’m not going to waste time giving an endless amount of stats because y’all don’t want to read them and they also don’t seem to matter after how last year’s game ended. Here’s the deal – it’s in Tuscaloosa, at night, and Cam Newton, Bo Jackson, and Chris Davis ain’t walking through that door.

Score – Alabama 34 Auburn 20

barkley

Tailgate Guest – Charles Barkley. I decided to go against a booze choice for this game because let’s face it I wouldn’t trust anything that was given to me from an Auburn fan and after the Harvey Updyke fiasco they should feel the same way. I think having Barkley at the tailgate would be much more fun. He’s an avid/ degenerate drinker and gambler so he and I would go together like peas and carrots. I would have an endless amount of questions for him. Like, what’s up with your voice? How come you sound like a ghetto Dr. Phil, and how do you keep mixing up which vowels to use in the word “terrible”? Also, what is worse: your diet or your golf swing? I think most would say your golf swing, but that would mean we’re definitely overlooking the fact that even as a professional athlete he had the body of a male Lane Bryant model. I think the nod would have to go to the golf swing though. We would definitely have to tee a few Titleists up just to get a good laugh as well. If you haven’t seen this golf swing just imagine a transformer with Parkinson’s.

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