It’s officially March Madness time again y’all. So, in keeping with the theme of basketball brackets and last year’s “Sweet 16 Irritating Traits of White Girls”, I now present to you: “Bro Bracket 2015”. It’s a bracket full of the 16 douche-iest things about bros. While any night at a Buckhead bar is enough for us to make up a full field of 64 seeds of doucheyness, for brevity’s sake, I thought it best to limit this to the highest 16 seeds. Some examples of those just missing the field were: “using the word “sick” or “epic” to describe anything cool”, “thinking the phrase “that’s what she said” is still funny”, “and giving the middle finger while posing for a picture”. So, without further ado here is Part 1 and your first 8 seeds in the 2015 Bro Bracket. Enjoy!
This is a strong matchup as we kick off our Sweet 16. I mean, on one hand, nobody likes a bad tattoo (trust me I have a permanent mistake on my inner arm that I made when I was 21), and on the other hand we have the public atrocity known as the bro handshake.
We’ll start with tattoos. I honestly thought that white girls had cornered this market of mistakes. I mean there are few things more laughable than a former sorostitute with a butterfly on her foot or an inspirational Hindi word written in white ink on her wrist. However, those pathetic feats-of-forever were trumped around the time when the tribal armband came about. Unless you are Samoan or The Rock, there is no reason to have this gentleman, and I don’t care how big you’re biceps are. This only looks acceptable if you’re a WWE champion, or spinning fire at a Luau, and even then, it’s probably frowned upon.
Then there’s the bro handshake. When did a simple handshake or high-five turn into a 5-part choreographed performance? Let’s take a second to settle this once and for all. Bros, it’s handshake or fist pound, got it? That’s it. There’s no reason to make a production out of it, especially one that ends with a finger snap and/or jazz hands. You’re just saying hello to a fellow bro, not proving that you’re a member of a secret underground society. And can we all finally just get on the same goddamn page with our handshake greeting in general? I can’t remember the last time when one of my generous/awkward handshake offers to a fellow bro wasn’t met with an always masculine incoming fist pound. For those of you fortunate enough to avoid this event, rather than a genuine greeting, the result is a much maligned and super uncomfortable flat hand “paper-beats-rock” fist swallowing. Figure it out!
Winner – #1 Over-the-top Handshakes
#2 Ignorant Love of Shitty Rap Music vs. #3 Unwillingness to Reciprocate Oral
Wow…yet another strong matchup to open the tourney. Let’s start with the undeniable love bros have for the rap game.
Listen, it’s okay to like rap music, especially if you can actually identify the good from the bad, but for this type of bro, let’s just say he’s not listening to any lyrical geniuses. Without getting too far off on a tangent…just take a look at this list if you’re unsure of what we’re referring to here… (But let’s be honest, if you didn’t know what we meant, you either don’t listen to rap, or you ARE the Bro in question.) To be fair though, this type of music can have some attractive properties though… I mean what’s not to like about trunk-rattling bass, 1st grade level repetitive catch phrases, and lest we forget the hilariously ignorant metaphors. I mean has there ever been a country or indie-rock song that compared a girl’s weave to curly fries? Most likely not, but thanks to Young Jeezy, that visual was not only hilarious, but it also rhymed perfectly and fit perfectly into this example. Calm down bros, I’m not saying it’s not ok to like, or even love, rap music. What’s not okay is pretending to relate to mostly anything these hardened former and/or future criminals are talking about. Be honest bro, the only contact or experience you’ve ever had with a “ratchet” was probably from your toolbox when you were hanging your flat screen TV. Maybe one day NWA will come out with an eye opening song about the lifelong struggles of suburbia called “Straight outta Alpharetta”, but until that day comes just admit that you know as much about grindin’ or hustlin’ as a rapper knows about iambic pentameter or how to tie a Windsor knot.
Then there’s this epidemic that’s plaguing cities nationwide: bro’s unwillingness to reciprocate oral sex. Let me be blunt; if you’re expecting a blow j from your girlfriend, but you’re not willing to return the favor, you are simply a selfish son-of-a-bitch and deserve to die alone. This is essentially why chivalry is dead bro, because you won’t spend 2-3 minutes investing into some simple foreplay. I just don’t get it. Personally, outside of baseball, it’s my favorite national pastime. Regardless if you want to do it or not, you owe it to your girl. Do you have any idea how gross a penis is or looks? Think about it… It’s disgusting. And if you’re lucky enough to find a girl who is willing to go down on you, you owe it to her. Don’t worry if you don’t know what you’re doing either. Going down on a girl is like giving someone socks for Christmas. It may not be great, but it’s the thought that counts.
Winner – #2 Ignorant love of shitty rap music
Regional Final – #1 Bro Handshake vs. #2 Ignorant love of rap music
The Bro Handshake is the favorite here, but it’s hard to go against a bros love of shitty rap music. It basically comes down to what’s more obnoxious: seeing two bros in tank tops doing a Kid n’ Play dance turned masculine patty cake routine or trying to take someone in a polo shirt seriously when they ask you if you downloaded Drizzy’s new mixtape on soundcloud.
Winner – #2 Love of Shitty Rap. Listen bro, you’re not cool because you think Drake’s new shit is hard AF. You’re still the same kid whose first “rap” song was the theme song from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
#1 Bro Wardrobe vs. #4 Affinity for Tank Tops
With these two honestly, it seems more like they belong in the same category. However, given the recent trends in Bro Fashion, the bro’s love of tank tops has blown up like his waistline during cuffing season, and therefore left me with no choice but to single it out.
We’ll start with Tank Tops, and this is pretty straight forward. The only time tank tops are ever acceptable in public for men is if you’re gay, in the NBA, or have been cast in a Fast and Furious sequel. If you don’t fall into any of those categories then there is literally no excuse for you to not wear sleeves. Period.
Now on to the rest of the Bro Wardrobe; last year I made fun of white girls because a majority of them have only one outfit that consists of Uggs, leggings, and an oversized long sleeve shirt they stole from their ex. However, not to be outmatched, bros have done their best to mimic this trend with their own costume of douche-baggery. Sure, there are a few articles that are interchangeable, but for the most part it’s made of Sperry’s, an oversized fishing shirt, and a pair of 6” shorts that wouldn’t be acceptable in the 1960’s NBA or for a girl to wear at Catholic school. My personal favorite is when they tie it all together with a pair of mid-calf socks. That way we get an uncomfortable visual stretching from mid thigh down to the cankle that shows off the athlete that they definitely aren’t.
Winner – #1 Bro Wardrobe
#2 Fake-triotism vs. #3 Overzealous Enthusiasm for their Entry-level Corporate Job
This may be my favorite matchup so far. Fake patriotism vs. (basically) the overuse of the word “grindin”, in a head to head matchup.
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime during the last decade the idea of patriotism turned from genuine national pride into obnoxious outfits and satirical social media posts. I’m not sure who’s to blame, but I’ve narrowed it down to Toby Keith, anyone that’s ever seen Team America: World Police, and whoever created the Baconator at Wendy’s. A good ol’ fashioned USA chant at the bar by a couple of bros every now and then is fine (and genuinely encouraged by this bro). But I swear to God, I would like to personally water board every asshole idiot that posts #Merica on their social media. Show some respect damnit!
Then there are the bros taking their awful job way too seriously. We get it dude. Jos. A Bank had a sale (Buy Three, get a Helicopter for Free!!!!), and “Wolf of Wall Street” is your shit. I’m sure you’re both “killing it” and “crushing it” in your daily struggle to cold-call people that hate you. But, let’s be real. You’re an “Account Executive” in a job that’s best compared to a revolving door, and no matter how colorful your pocket square may be, you’re still making $30k/year making cold calls and learning corporate culture acronyms. Also, I’m going to dick punch the next one of you that Instagram’s a picture of a Starbucks cup on a Monday with the caption “Rise and Grind. #Blessed”
Winner – #1 Fake-triotism. Hands down.
Regional Final – #1 Bro Wardrobe vs. #2 Fake-triotism
This really isn’t even close. I mean fake-triotism can be obnoxious, but at least this misguided, inappropriate celebration comes from a good place. The same cannot be said for every douchebag I see out in Buckhead clad in Vineyard Vines pastels and NorthFace vests. I mean they’re a dime-a-dozen in that area after midnight. And once again, not enough can be said about mistaking fishing apparel as acceptable dress wear. Every night I go out in Buckhead I feel like I’m surrounded by pretentious Easter eggs and alcoholic geologists.
Winner – #1 Bro Wardrobe
There you have it! In the first two regions of the Bro Bracket 2015, you now have the first half of your Final Four #2 seed “Ignorant Love of Shitty Rap” vs. #1 seed the “Bro Wardrobe”. In the coming days we will present the other side of the bracket as well as reveal your Final Four. In the meantime, feel free to hit the comments section below to give us your thoughts on these two finalist, and why one should or should not move on the the Championship matchup!