You know what it is… Part 2 of the Bracket for the douchiest things that bros do. For a quick recap, in the last piece, we had two final four contenders advance with the “Ig’nant Love of Shitty Rap” and the “Bro Wardrobe”. Without further adieu, let’s find out who our other two final four contenders will be…
#1 Drunken Douchebaggery vs. #4 Dance “Skills”
As a bartender there are few things less tolerable than being sober around drunk people – especially bros. The early stages of drunken bro are not hard to spot and we’ve all seen this person. He’s usually the one crushing Jäger Bombs and spouting off offensive pick-up lines at the nearest smoke shows because he likes the taste of licorice and regret. Let’s face facts… It’s not 2003 bro. Grow some hair on those peaches and start shooting whiskey or
antifreeze Fireball like the rest of the adult world. But with these bros, one thing is always certain. It’s only a matter of time until said drunk bro has too much and turns into tornado of self-destruction and embarrassment.
Once this happens, there are many ways for said bro to ruin everyone else’s night, but these two types of drunk bros are by far the worst – the overly affectionate bro and the bro that wants to fight everyone in the bar. They’re both equally as annoying as they are unpredictable. However, it should be noted that the affectionate bro is the lesser of two evils. This is the guy that won’t stop hugging you and saying, “No…but for real…I fucking love you bro…I fucking love you man.” He also tends to sprinkle in some empty promises like how you two should take a trip together to a distant bro city/event. Which is a nice gesture and all, but it’s hard to take seriously since it’s typically said with a mouthful of tacos he just bought from a street vendor. Still, the most epic drunken douchebro manifests himself in the form of “Street Fighter Bro”. This stage is usually achieved once the bro’s Jäger intake has reached critical mass, and/or the drunken bro encounters an ex-gf/slampiece in the bar. We all know, there is little to be said for a bro once he reaches this point. If you are a friend or acquaintance of street fighter bro, at this point you just need to put them in a cab, or leave them all together. And as an innocent observer, I don’t even really want to know why you’re mad, I just want to know why you’re initial instinct before a fight was to take your shirt off. Just stop it.
The 4 seed in this matchup is bro “dance skills”, and I use those words very loosely. Listen it’s not a big deal if you’re a bad dancer. Bro dancing ability is a lot like wealth in America – the disparity is great and the highest level is usually only made up of the top one percent of the population. What makes it douchey is the total lack of awareness as to how bad of a dancer they are. I’m talking to you Mr. I took a cotillion class once, so now I think I should twirl my dance partner every 4.5 seconds when” Brown Eyed Girl” is on. Stop it. Stick to the basics bro, and keep your fingers crossed for a song with instructions like the Cha Cha slide or the Wobble dance.
Winner – Bad Dance Skills. This is pretty tough, but I think we may have our first big upset of the tourney. What’s douchier – the drunken explosion of a powder keg of daddy issues and irrationality or the bro doing the same shitty interpretive dance, regardless of whether it’s during “Wagon Wheel” or Ginuwine’s “Pony”? I gotta give the nod to bad dancing here, because for me the only thing less impressive than a meathead pounding his chest to prove his manhood is a bro in a button down shirt doing the shopping cart or sprinkler. Jesus white people. I thought we collectively gave up as a race when we started tying jackets and sweaters around our waists in public, but literally nothing says, “I’m waving a white flag for coolness” like mimicking lawn maintenance equipment when your favorite T-Pain jam comes on at the bar.
#2 Bro Movies/Shows vs. #3 Accessorizing
Let’s start with bro movies. I actually sympathize with bros here because we are frequently forced to watch shitty Romantic Comedies on your latest tinder date, and sometimes watching Liam Niessen avenge his family with shitty karate is our only outlet. Like I said last year ladies, we don’t give a shit about whatever Nicholas Sparks tearjerker we’re being subjected to because we’re most likely watching it to get in your pants. Bottom line is that Rose let go, Jack died, and all we want to do is get it on in a parked Model T and hope that one of us drowns the next day to avoid a relationship.
I used to think that these cookie cutter RomComs were the bottom feeders of Hollywood. However, bros have somehow surpassed audiences of estrogen-induced tears in relation to terrible movie thirst. Think I’m being drastic? Then how else do you explain the fact that THESE movies had sequels: Taken, Expendables, and Fast and Furious 3: Tokyo Drift. (I mean honestly, why did they even think they were going to surpass the acting jobs from Little Bow Wow and the kid from slingblade?)
Then there’s accessorizing. I used to think men didn’t do this. That is until I went to college and learned what a croakie was. For those of you not familiar the croakie was a pretty ingenious idea that attached to the back of your glasses and wrapped around your neck so you never had to worry about losing them. It was probably originally derived out of convenient necessity for clumsy geriatrics who lost their reading glasses as often as they had to change their Depends. However, fraternities nationwide took this trend over and made it into one of the douchiest parts of bros everywhere. Croakies for bros are like Frank’s Red Hot for black people…They put that shit with everything. What worse is, there are other douche accessories too i.e. – coozies, visors, and my least favorite – the bowtie.
Winner – Accessorizing. This is not even really an upset. Why? Because everytime I see Rocky IV I get all jacked up on pushups and patriotism, but everytime I see some bro named Thad wearing croakies at night, a part of me dies inside.
Regional Final – #4 Dance Skills vs. #3 Accessorizing
Two underdogs that are overvalued by bros everywhere. Dancing seems like it would be tough to beat. I mean, if the twirl and shopping cart weren’t bad enough let’s not forget that bros were mostly responsible for the “Raise the Roof” fad in the early 90’s. Gross. However, accessorizing is still your winner. You can’t judge a bro for not being blessed with rhythm, but you can definitely judge one for rocking a visor and a bowtie to every formal event he’s EVER invited to. And let’s be honest, there are only 3 times a year when wearing a bowtie is acceptable: Easter, the Kentucky Derby, and if your mom is forcing you to get your picture taken at Olan Mills. That’s it.
Winner – #3 Accessorizing
#1 Overreaction to Sports vs. #4 Posing for Pictures
Yet another category I fall into and should probably carry the flag for. Everyone understands that guys love sports. What is hard to understand is why it makes a select few of us lose our goddamn minds and act like childish assholes when our favorite team didn’t win. If the biggest emotional investment in your life is a team you don’t play for, with players you live vicariously through, then that’s probably an issue. Trust me I’m not judging, but let’s just call a spade a spade. Not saying you shouldn’t be passionate or prideful about your alma mater or your home team. What I am saying is maybe just shy away from punching walls, throwing beer bottles, and screaming the Lord’s name in vain loud enough that everyone in the room pees a little out of fear. Then again maybe that is the appropriate reaction WHEN YOU RUN A DRAW ON 3RD AND 10! GOD DAMMIT (INSERT COACHES NAME HERE)!
Then there’s the way bros take pictures. Girls are traditionally the worst culprits of generic and dumb fashion poses. It started with the infamous three person Charlie’s Angels pose and later transformed into the Spring Break simultaneous jump at the beach. Then came the evolution of individual poses like the duck face and the hand-on-waist-attempt-to-hide-the-muffin-top move. As dumb as those are at least they’re creative. What do bros have? Usually only three things: the chin up smug half smile, the ever so cool deuces (the two usually accompany each other), and my personal favorite – the middle finger. Really guys? The middle finger? What are you 12? Just like No Fear t-shirts and chain wallets, the middle finger picture pose should’ve died out in 1997.
Winner – Overreaction to Sports. Why? Fantasy Football (or any fantasy sports for that matter). The only thing worse than a bro being invested into a game that he’s not involved in is being equally invested into a game where he’s the fake manager/coach. God, that’s sad. Bro, let me speak for everyone when I say that nobody gives a shit that you lost by one point this week because starting Drew Brees over Tom Brady was the biggest mistake of your adult life outside of forgetting to wear a condom on that Spring Break trip to Cabo. You’re fake managing a fake team in a game revolving around Math. It’s like Dungeons and Dragons with Touchdowns. Stop telling me about who you should’ve started at your flex position this week, and start gambling illegally on NFL games like a real man you fucking nerd.
#2 Fraternities vs. #3 Bros in the Gym
Remember that movie Blank Check from the early 90’s? The one with the hilarious limo driver and the 9 year old who used money to buy happiness and make friends. If you don’t then I’m sure you remember Richie Rich. That’s the one where the kid from Home Alone started using gel, bowties, and his parent’s money to make friends. Does that sound familiar? Because it’s basically the foundation for every fraternity ever.
Hey Hamilton, here’s an idea. Instead of being hazed with paddling and public humiliation why not just develop a personality and make friends with people that like you for more than just having a matching blazer or ankle tat. Let’s be honest, these aren’t your brothers they’re future networking tools with similar shitty haircuts. Honestly, the only reason to join a frat in college is because of the parade of pussy that it brings. Regardless, it’s still sad. I don’t know. Call me crazy, but that type of blind allegiance seems more fake than a 9 year old outsmarting a Bank President and Tone Loc to the tune of a million dollars. Also, Henry the limo driver is cooler than anyone you’ll ever meet during rush week.
The gym on the other hand, is the epicenter for bros. Once the sun sets in Metro Atlanta, every LA Fitness turns into a pissing contest of bicep curls and shoulder shrugs, and there are few things douchier than seeing someone in a neon tank or preshrunk graphic tee get psyched for his 3rd day of Bench press in a row. GOTTA DO THE CURLS TO GET THA GURLS AMIRIGHT?!? Also, a must for bros in the gym are the Beats by Dre headphones, because I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna hear anything during this last set besides iron clangin’ and Iron Maiden! Woo! Chest bump! And always remember, the most important part of any bro’s workout is to make sure everyone within a 30 foot radius can hear, see, or know how much more you’re lifting than them. Also, cardio is for pussies.
Winner – Bros in the Gym. It honestly seems a little undeserved. I mean after all there is nothing more bro than bro’ing it up in a frat with people pretending to actually be brothers. But bros in the gym are way worse. It’s the most amazing representation of insecurity and narcissism that you’ll ever see. There’s the constant mirror gazing, the unnecessary groans, and lest we forget the endless fake stretching while you stare at the smokeshow on the treadmill. Possibly the worst of all is being asked to spot someone you’ve never met who’s in the middle of an intense set of deep squats. Bro, I know that “bros don’t let bros skip leg day” and what not, but you’re on your own. We look like a real life version of The Ambiguously Gay Duo, and people are starting to stare.
Regional Final – #1 Overreaction to Sports vs. #3 Bros in the Gym
This matchup can be decided with one simple word – Crossfit. Jesus. Christ. Crossfit is the worst. It’s like a who’s who of assholes that peaked in high school. Hey Uncle Rico, put down the kettle bells and leave me alone. Even worse is that every Crossfitter in the world wants to talk to you about crossfit like a goddam Jehovah’s witness going door to door about fitness heaven. Do I wanna hear about your WOD? No, I want to know why you’re wearing those compression leggings like a housewife doing yoga and doing burpees in an asbestos filled basement with no responsible adult supervision. GTFO!
And there you have it folks, the Final Four has been set. As with last week, feel free to give us your feedback on any/all of the Final Four contenders to help determine who should move on to the championship round. We’ll be back again next week with the final rounds and your eventual winner of the Bro Bracket 2015!