SEC Championship Preview

SEC Championship Preview

Just like we all thought in August Alabama and Missouri will play for the SEC Championship this Saturday in Atlanta. I’m kidding. Nobody predicted that. Yes, the Tide was a consensus favorite to win the West, but most people thought the East winner would be Florida, South Carolina, or Georgia. In fact most Georgia fans think they should STILL be in the game proving my point that UGA fans are the most delusional fans in the country. They’re like that nice non-threatening kid in high school whose best friends with all the girls but will never seal the deal. UGA is officially in the friend zone as far as championships are concerned.

Moving on, is it me or is this the least hyped SEC Championship game you can remember? This is the first time in a long time that this game features a double digit point spread and isn’t the destination for College Gameday. That being said it’s also the first time in a long time that it’s not a de-facto semifinal for the national championship.

Missouri comes into this game with a 10-2 record and on a 6 game winning streak. It also marks their 2nd division title in only 3 years of being in the conference. Regardless SEC fans have shown them about as much respect as an inner-city stepfather. That’s what happens though when you win your division with a resume that’s about as impressive as one submitted from an ITT Tech graduate.

I’ve been high on Missouri for the last two years. That’s primarily due to my best friend being from St. Louis and my love for Nelly. Most people wrote this team off after their home loss to Indiana. Everyone wrote them off after their embarrassment against UGA. However, I’ve stuck with them because they consistently find ways to win and have the most underrated coach in the country. Here are some stats for all of you Missouri doubters out there: Mizzou has played in their conference title game in 4 of the last 8 seasons, they’re defense is ranked #1 in the SEC in games against conference opponents, and they’re tied for the most conference wins over the last 2 seasons with mighty Alabama.

Pretty impressive right? Yeah, none of that will matter this Saturday. Alabama will dominate this team. The teams that give Bama the most trouble are up tempo offenses with elite level quarterbacks. However, Mizzou’s QB Maty Mauk is about as exciting as a handjob on a honeymoon. Shane Ray and Markus Golden may impact the game at some point, but it won’t be enough against Bama’s offense because the only thing that will cover Amari Cooper on Saturday is that white roof atop the Georgia Dome. I think they’ll come out inspired and play well for much of the first half, but I just don’t know how they’ll score against Alabama. Missouri has played only 2 defenses ranked in the top 25 nationally this season, and their offense gained a total of 249 yards in those games.

I’ll be at the game, and I can tell you there are three certainties that will happen come 8 pm this Saturday. One, Alabama fans will be celebrating their team’s 24th SEC championship. Two, Alabama’s defense will harass Maty Mauk like he’s a minority jay-walking on a city street in Ferguson. And three, UGA fans will tell everyone they would’ve won the SEC then get shit faced drunk at home, light some candles, draw a bath, and watch a compilation of Todd Gurley highlights.

Score – Alabama 34 Missouri 13

Tailgate Guests – This is a big game, and it deserves a big tailgate with A-list guests and alumni. We’ll invite 3 famous graduates of each school so the party stays exclusive yet star studded.   For Missouri we’ll invite Sheryl Crow, John Hamm, and Brad Pitt. How’s that for an alumni chapter? You have the face of the original Lillith Fair, you have the face of one of the best TV shows of all time, and you have the face of one of the best faces of all time. That’s a strong lineup. But don’t expect Bama to be outdone. Their 3 guests include – Sela Ward, Debra Marshall, and Madeline Mitchell. That’s right Mizzou. Alabama will counter with a list of (almost)blonde (almost) bombshells. Up first we have Sela Ward. No big deal, but she’s one of the lead supporting actresses in CSI: New York. Boom. Next, we have Madeline Mitchell. Mitchell was Miss Alabama in 2011 after a vicious tornado took out a third of her competition. She was also once in a coma which makes her the hottest coma patient ever outside of Sleeping Beauty. Lastly, we have Debra Marshall. Marshall’s 3 biggest life moments include: earning a degree from Alabama, being the second wife of Stone Cold Steve Austin, and being the ringside manager of Owen Hart during his infamous  Zipline entry Cage Match.


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